Jesus said, “I give you a new commandment, that you love one another. Just as I have loved you, you should also love one another. By this everyone will know that you are my disciples, if you have love for one another.”
We tend to get confused about this commandment. We tend to get confused about the whole concept of loving one another. Our confusion disturbs our relationships with each other, and it also disturbs our relationship with God. There are several sources of this confusion, and for simplicity’s sake, we can label them as fallacies.
First, there’s the holiness fallacy. We all know this one. It comes from that part of us that believes that being Christians, being followers of Christ, means that at some point in our lives, we’ll reach such a level of holiness that we will absolutely overflow with warm, loving feelings for everyone we meet. This fallacy leads us to believe that when we get to be good enough Christians, we will look at everyone we meet and see with total clarity what God loves in that person. This fallacy leads us to believe that we will some day be so close to God that nothing other people do will bother us, and we’ll be free at last to love people as Jesus has loved us. The corollary of this fallacy is that we don’t really have to make any effort to modify our behavior—that someday we will somehow magically transmogrify into little beams of sunshine, spreading light wherever we wander.
Then there’s the affinity fallacy. We also know this one pretty well. We have an affinity for some people. We like them. We feel comfortable with them. Have you ever noticed that the people we like may have some foibles or peculiarities but that the people we don’t like have personality defects? This fallacy leads us to believe that the people we like are more deserving of loving actions than the people we don’t like. The corollary of this fallacy is that if those people would only behave appropriately, we wouldn’t have any difficulty treating them with love.
Finally, there’s the niceness fallacy. One of our favorites. Most of us learned at our mother’s knee that if we can’t say something nice, we shouldn’t say anything at all. Most of us internalized this instruction to mean we should never say anything that makes us feel uncomfortable—anything that makes us feel less than loving. I’ve learned—and you may have had the same experience—that I can feel pretty comfortable saying the less-than-nice words to a third party—someone who has nothing at all to do with the issue.
There’s a part of us that believes these fallacies. And these fallacies are some of the things that get in the way of our living into Jesus’ commandment.
“Just as I have loved you, you should also love one another.” As we look at the stories of Jesus’ interaction with his disciples, with the people whom he met along the way, and with the people who conspired to kill him, we see something very different than the warm fuzzy affection that we sometimes imagine is the height of Christian love.
Two weeks ago, Pastor Kate and I attended the diocesan clergy conference. Our speaker for the conference was the Very Rev. Rebecca McClain, formerly dean of the cathedral in Phoenix and currently a consultant with the national church. We were blessed with the wisdom this woman brought to us. She taught us several things during our time together. Two things have stuck in my mind, and I hope they will guide my behavior in a way that will help me live more fully into my baptismal promises. I share them with you in hope that you will also find them useful in your own journey.
The first teaching was this: Practice doesn’t make perfect; practice makes permanent. In other words, what we do is what we do. The more we do whatever it is that we do, the more embedded the behavior becomes—the more it becomes an inextricable part of who we are. The corollary is that what we do is what we will do. We have a choice about our behavior and about changing our behavior.
The second teaching was a practical application of the principle of practice. Rebecca demonstrated four examples of Christian love in action, then she invited us to practice. The actions she modeled were words of affirmation, empathy, forgiveness and confrontation. Before she showed us how to do these, she reminded us that these actions are critically important to our lives in Christian community. She also reminded us that most of us don’t practice these actions enough.
Rebecca’s actions were simple and straightforward. As we watched, she walked over to one participant and said, “I appreciate the work you’ve done during this conference. Thank you.” After a moment, she went to another person and said, “You are dealing with a difficult situation. I am here to listen.” Then, she went to another and said, “I was wrong. Please forgive me.” Finally, she said to a person, “You have a lot of wisdom. I wish you had shared more during the conference.”
You’ll notice that these are simple sentences. The affirmation is a statement of noticing and appreciation. She didn’t judge the quality of the work or give instructions about what the person might do next. She simply noticed and responded with appreciation. The offer of empathy is just that: an offer, not a prescription or a teaching. She didn’t tell the person that talking would be good for him; she didn’t tell him to talk to her; she didn’t try to help him out of his situation. She simply noticed and offered herself as a listener. The request for forgiveness stands by itself without excuses and seeks reconciliation. She didn’t say, “A wrong thing was done.” She didn’t say “I’m sorry what I did hurt you.” She said, “I was wrong”, and asked for forgiveness. The confrontation is a statement of feeling, not an accusation that the person didn’t fulfill his responsibility to the group or a demand.that he change his ways. None of these phrases are an attempt to fix the other person. All of these phrases are respectful. All of them speak the truth in love.
After Rebecca demonstrated these actions, she invited us to practice. She invited us to look around the room, see who we needed to speak with, then seek out the person and say what needed to be said. She encouraged us to continue the process after the conference, especially when forgiveness was the issue. The room was alive with the Holy Spirit as we sought each other out and talked together. It was a powerful experience, and I know that it contributed to the increased feeling of community and collegiality that many of us experienced and have remarked on since the conference.
Christian love is a decision to act in love. The commandment to love one another is not about a warm rush of emotion toward another person. It’s about walking in Jesus’ footsteps, treating the people around us as he treated the people around him, with respect, honesty and compassion. It’s about choosing to act with love, no matter what’s going on around us. It’s about choosing to act as if. It’s about choosing to speak directly, respectfully and compassionately to the people around us. It’s about choosing to live into our baptismal covenant. It’s about practicing to be the people God created us to be and Christ calls us to become.
I invite you to think about the people in your life. Is there someone you need to give some words of appreciation? Is there someone you need to offer empathy? Is there someone you have wronged and from whom you need to seek forgiveness? Is there someone you need to speak with about something that’s in your heart?
I invite you to join with me in practicing what Jesus came to teach us. And I invite you to join me in offering our lives to that struggle. I have no illusions that we will be fixed by the end of the week. As we come to this table where we are fed, I invite you to join me in offering all that we are and all that we have to put God’s love into action in all the days of our lives. Today, tomorrow, the next day, and the next day, and the next day, and the next….